Day 12: Fearing the Medicine

Tomorrow we get to go visit my husband for the first time since he entered treatment, and I'm a little nervous.  (Okay, I'm a LOT nervous!  I have absolutely no idea what to expect.)

Today while reading to the kids from Pinocchio, I came across this line:

"We fear the medicine more than the sickness."

Pinocchio had come down with a dreadful illness seemingly as a result of his own repeated naughtiness, and yet when offered a cure, he glibly crunches sugar cubes and declares that he would rather die than accept the cure, because it is too bitter.

I'm ashamed to admit that I can identify with poor, naughty Pinocchio.  Now that we have begun this journey to wholeness and healing, I find at times that I am more afraid of the cure than the affliction.  I know how to "handle" addiction (if it can be "handled", which it can't), but I have no experience with the treatment, the cure.

I am blessed to have a dear friend who is a chemical dependency counselor, and she has done her best to prepare me for what to expect.  The truth is that two weeks is not sufficient time to completely detox, a fact that was confirmed by my husband's request for copious amounts of hard candy.  (Apparently there is a link between addiction and sugar cravings, which intensify when one begins to go through withdrawal.)

My husband's request for candy seemed charming at first (Of course I'll get you Jolly Ranchers, honey!), until I understood why he was asking; then it broke my heart and served as a stark reminder that he is an addict, and he is detoxing.

My friend also tried to prepare me for how emotional my husband may be, as well as the possibility that he may ask to come home.  That scares me.  It has always been difficult for me to say no to my husband, in fact, that is part of what makes me an enabler (more on that later, MUCH later).  And she STRONGLY recommended that I be ready with an answer if the question does come; an answer that MUST be no.

And so here I sit, on the eve of our first visit, feeling much like Pinocchio, fearing the medicine because it may be bitter, and the sickness is so much more familiar...