Many times in the last several years we have struggled through trials of various kinds, and in the midst of those trials, I have sometimes asked, "Why us?" "Why this?" "What are we supposed to be learning?" "What is God trying to prepare us for?" And I must confess that at times I have been more than a little frightened by the potential answers to those questions.
A few weeks before my husband entered treatment, we were bombarded with one crisis after another. My husband had lost his job two months earlier and was devastated to learn that a promising new job opportunity had fallen through. During the same week we discovered that our vehicle needed two new ball joints, four new tires, and an alignment, and then my horse came down with acute colic and died -- all in one week!
In the two days during which I tried to keep my horse alive, I talked frequently with a close friend. During one particularly difficult conversation when I was trying to decide whether to euthanize the horse or not, I broke down and cried, "Why? Why is God allowing this? He knows I can't take any more. What does He want from me? What is He preparing me for that I have to be this strong?" The next day the horse died.
As I look back on the difficulties of that week, I can now see God's loving hand. God knew that my husband would be going away, and He was already preparing us to journey through a wilderness that we could not yet see.
If my husband had been offered the job that he was hoping for, he would not be in treatment getting healthy and whole. If we had not discovered the vehicle repairs that needed to be made, I would have been left to deal with them myself. And if God had not taken my horse, I would have had one more burden than I am currently able to bear.
It hurt me to watch my horse suffer, and it hurt God to watch me suffer. But God knew what He was doing.
The truth is, that I was planning to try to find a new home for the horse even before I knew that my husband would be going away. She had been a gift horse that had had health issues since the day she was gifted, and because of her health issues, I was nervous about finding a new home for her, afraid that the new potential owners would be unable to care for her properly. I wasn't ready to let go, and I begged God to save her, but because He loves me, God said, "No", and relieved me of a huge responsibility.
My husband was devastated when he was not offered the job he had hoped for. He was so excited about the opportunity and desperate to get back to providing for us, but because God loves him, God said, "No", and eliminated any excuse for not going to treatment.
We had money in the bank when we discovered that our vehicle needed extensive maintenance and repairs, but that's not how we wanted to spend it, but because God loves us, He said, "Now", because He knew that very soon there would be no money in the bank and no breadwinner to win bread.
And now that I look back, I can see that God was at work in the midst of all my pain and frustration and fear -- not just during that particular week, but so many, many times before -- and through each trial He was preparing us for such a time as this...
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