Today was weird. I didn't sleep well last night. My youngest daughter and her little dog slept with me, but they were unable to fill the space where my husband used to lie. He is big and warm and still when he sleeps. They are small and restless.
Most of the day I stumbled around like a zombie -- not the flesh eating kind, but the ambulatory comatose kind. (Maybe that's a mummy...?)
It's not that my husband has never been away from home before, but this is different. I feel empty. It's almost as if the smoke is clearing after a long battle, and I'm not quite able to grasp what I am seeing.
And it's so quiet. There has been so much chaos for so long. I like the quiet, and that makes me feel guilty.
And today, if you were to ask me how I am doing, I would say fine, and mean it, because today I don't feel anything, and that makes me feel guilty, too.
But the smoke is still clearing, and I suspect the feelings will follow soon enough...
You are on a bit of a rollercoaster my friend.. ups and downs, and sometimes just waiting for an up or a down.
ReplyDeleteOh, and it's alright if when you are waiting for an up or a down you just feel 'alright'. There is no guilt in being able to pick yourself up and move forward. Paul would want that, and you and your children need that. There is nothing here that can't be fixed, and perhaps you are in a bit of a 'recovery' phase yourself. It's time to do the work on Kelley that you never had a chance to before.... you know?
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