Gluteus Minimus

Yesterday, I went to see our family doctor.  For the past few weeks I have been having pain in my right hip that worsens as I rotate my leg outward, and I had also discovered a weird growth on the inside of my right cheek, so I decided to have both checked out.  (Actually, I didn't decide; my husband insisted!)

Upon being escorted to the examination room, I learned that my doctor was training a physician's assistant from another state.  I was asked if I would consent to being the new guy's guinea pig, and I said, "Sure, why not..."  The new guy had a pretty good idea what was going on with my cheek and confirmed my initial internet diagnosis, but my hip was a different story.  I was asked if I would mind putting on a "gown", so he could examine my hip more thoroughly.  "Sure, why not..."  He left.  I donned the "gown".  He returned and examined.  Still stumped.  He stepped out to consult with my doctor.  Both returned.  Leg up. Leg down.  Bend.  Twist.  Turn.  Adduction.  Abduction.  Push. Pull.  Ruling out of possible sources of pain.  Joint?  No.  Tendon?  No.  Muscle?  Yes!  Which muscle?  More twisting, turning, bending...palpating...uhm...awkward.  (You'd think after birthing four children, nothing would be awkward, but...)

By the time they were done pushing, pulling, twisting, and palpating, I felt like a side of beef!  And the verdict...a pulled gluteus minimus.  Nice!  As if the palpation wasn't bad enough, they add insult to injury by telling me that I've basically pulled a muscle in my BUTT!   Well, not quite my butt, but it has the butt word, gluteus, in it!  "Why are you walking like that, Kelley?"  "Oh, I've injured my gluteus minimus."  "You mean you hurt your butt?"  "NO!  Oh, never mind...!"  No one is going to take the time to Google gluteus minimus and discover that it actually controls outward rotation of the thigh.  No!  They're just going to assume that I hurt my butt!  Oh, and my oral growth?  An infected spit gland. (Parotid gland, to be precise!)  The solutions?  No exercise for six to eight weeks while the gluteus minimus heals and an antibiotic (that will most likely cause gastric distress!) for the salivary gland.  Nice!  And that, dear friends, is why I don't like to go to the doctor!