Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes!

I haven't written since July, and I am not quite sure how to explain why, except to say that A LOT has happened since my last post, and I've been a bit busy trying to keep up with the whirlwind that is my life. Instead of writing an epic tome to bring y'all up to speed, I'll just hit the high points...

In August, I traveled to California to meet my biological father and my grandmother after a 37-year separation. I also met seven of my eight younger siblings on my father's side (six brothers, one sister, with one brother yet to meet).  Talk about life changing...in a good way!

At the beginning of September, I was offered a tech support position with the Lake Washington School District. I accepted, and with the help of some incredible friends, I moved the children and myself across the state. Life changer #2.

At the end of September, my husband returned home after completing a one-year recovery program. Life changer #3.

To say that my life has changed would be a gross understatement, and not just my life, but the lives of my family members--immediate and extended, old and new. I have gone from being a country girl to a city girl (more on that later...), a stay-at-home mom to a working mom, a homeschooling mom to a public school mom, and after a year of being a single mom, I am now a co-parent again. Not only that, but I have gained a whole new family!

I wish I could tell you that all of these changes have gone smoothly. They haven't. But God is good, life is good, and I am blessed beyond measure! 

The Battle

The last couple of weeks have been extremely challenging for my family, and I have had to make some heart-wrenching decisions concerning my "adult" children.  They were failing to launch, and I gave them no choice but to eject.  

It can be extremely challenging to parent when there is a 10-year age gap between the youngest child and the oldest.  My adult children were failing to "filter up" for the sake of their younger siblings, and my minor children were starting to run with the "big dogs".  It was no longer enough to put the big dogs on a leash; I had to kick them out of the kennel for their own good and the good of the family.  

Now that the dust is beginning to settle and everyone is assured of unconditional love and their place in the family, I am finally able to breathe again.  My adult children are spreading their wings and learning to fly, and my minor children seem to be in a little less hurry to grow up.

Sometimes the hard thing is the best thing, even when it feels like your tearing your own heart from your chest.  This battle has been won; God is good, and I am blessed.

Adrift...

I haven't written in a while because life has gotten too painful to write about.  My husband has been breaking some rules at the recovery center for quite some time, and as a result, two months have been added to his program.  (He is, however, still clean.) Meanwhile, I have been dealing with an overwhelming mess of collateral damage stemming from more than two decades of poor choice and unhealthy examples. My family is adrift, and I am discouraged.  I covet your prayers.

Day 250: X-Men

Today I took my husband back over the mountains after a twelve-day visit to celebrate our son's graduation from high school.  How was the visit?  Nothing like either of us expected...

What did I expect?  I suppose I expected a knight in shining armor who would rescue me from the ravages of single-handedly trying to parent seven strong-willed children.

What did he expect?  It seems as though he expected a Martha Stewart meets June Cleaver hybrid complete with spotless house, heels, and gourmet meals.

What did we get?  Cyclops vs. Storm.  The first twenty-four hours were great, but by they time we hit the forty-eight hour mark, we weren't sure we were going to survive our "quality time" together.

What did we learn from the experience? We learned that recovery is a process, and although we are no longer "addict" and "enabler", we have a lot of rebuilding to do as a family and as a couple.  We also learned that expectations can be dangerous -- they are rarely realistic and are seldom ever met.

I can almost guarantee you that I will never be greeting my husband at the end of the day in heels and pearls with a five-course meal and a handcrafted centerpiece on our table, and my husband is not likely to ride up on a white horse wearing chain mail and brandishing a sword any time soon, but that's okay. Cyclops and Storm suit us just fine as long as we remember that we're both X-Men, and WE'RE ON THE SAME TEAM! We're finally figuring out that we'd much rather face the future with each other than against each other, and THAT, my friends, is progress!

Day 195: Months...

I haven't written in a while because, quite frankly, life has gotten too busy/complicated/tedious/uninspiring (pick one) to write about.  For the most part we are mostly/sort of/sometimes (pick one) fine, but sometimes we are fabulous/horrible (you know the drill...pick one).

For the most part, I've stopped counting time in days and weeks, there are just too many.  I now observe time in months -- months that we've been apart, months between visits, months until we will all be together again as a family...except that we never really will.  Two sons are grown, and by the time my husband returns, another will have graduated.  Time has become my enemy -- passing too slowly, or too quickly, but never at my preferred pace.

Who would have thought that the last six month would be more difficult than the first...

Day 127: Dance

I spent the weekend over on the west side with my husband. He had been granted a 48 hour pass, and I was desperate to see him. It had been almost six weeks since our last visit, and difficult weeks at that.

When I arrived at my sister's house on Friday afternoon, my husband was there waiting. As soon as I parked, the kids tumbled out of the vehicle and immediately mauled him. After many hugs and kisses, he managed to untangle himself from the jumble of adolescent arms and legs and came to coax me from the vehicle. I was tired and more than a little overwhelmed -- the trip had been long, and my week had been brutal.

Once inside, I wandered around the house for a bit making small talk with my brother-in-law while my husband unloaded the vehicle. Then I made my way to the guest bedroom. On the edge of the bed I found a note written in my husband's hand. Underneath it was small gift box and beneath the box a CD labeled simply "DANCE".

Tears welled up in my eyes as I read the note. Below is an excerpt:

"Dance is an interesting word.... The two main definitions are to move rhythmically to music and to appear to dazzle, shine, and twinkle. I was surprised by the second meaning. Just recently...I came across Ecclesiastes 3:4. It says there is a "time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance".... The word used in this text not only could mean to physically dance, but I believe it [also] means the latter. God gave me this verse to give to you. You have had times of weeping, times of laughing, times of mourning, and very soon you will have a time to dance."

Inside the box was a dainty silver necklace with the word "Dance" imprinted on the pendant, and on the CD was Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You Dance".

Oh, how I love that man.

Day 109: Lifelines

I haven't written in a while because, quite frankly, I haven't had much to say. My husband is doing well. The kids and I are doing fine, and life is...okay. We have our good days and our bad days--nothing too exciting, nothing tragic. The crisis has passed, and we are no longer drowning, but I often feel as if I am treading water, and sometimes I am in need of a lifeline.

This morning I received a New Year's card in the mail from a friend who lives on the other side of the state. Tucked behind the adorable photo card of her two young daughters was a short note -- two simple sentences using the words "peace", "inspiration", and "trust" that changed my day. This friend had no way of knowing how discouraged I had been lately, yet her simple note was such a treasure that I tucked it into my purse as a precious reminder that God sees me in the middle of my "meh" and cares enough to meet me in the midst of it. (Thank you, Mel.)

Then this afternoon, while shopping at the local grocery store, I crossed paths with a dear family friend. I happened to be on the phone at the time, but we each smiled and nodded "hi". A few minutes later, after the friend had finished shopping, he came back into the store, sought me out, and with a huge grin on his face said, "Happy New Year!", and handed me $20. Then he turned and walked away, leaving me in the middle of the aisle trying not to burst into tears because of his kindness and generosity. This friend had no way of knowing how challenging things are for us right now financially, yet his kind gift served as a sweet reminder of God's promise of provision. (Thank you, Henry.)

These two incidents may seem like random acts of kindness, but I believe they were orchestrated by a very intentional God who will move heaven and earth (and the people on it) to demonstrate His love toward us. So thank you, my friends, for being the hands of Christ extended. Today I was in need of a lifeline. God sent me two. And because of you, I will be able to tread water a little while longer.