Goodbye 2011

It's been another difficult year. In April, we lost a beloved pet and a beloved uncle. In September, my husband entered a recovery program for the treatment of chemical dependency. But in spite of it all, we have been blessed beyond measure, and we are grateful to God for his goodness to us. 

“Reflect upon your blessings, of which every man has plenty,

not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”

- Charles Dickens

Day 92: Almost perfect...

In many ways, this Christmas was one of our best ever.  All seven of my children were home.  I managed to get all seven to church with me Christmas morning. We enjoyed several days of food, family, and fun.  And the gifts that were given and received were truly appreciated (a first among so many!).  It was almost perfect, except:

• This was our second Christmas without Poppa, and I still haven't gotten used to seeing others sitting in his big chair.
• This was our first Christmas without Peyo, our beloved Dalmatian, who used to sleep on my side of the bed.  I miss rubbing my feet on his warm body before I climb out of bed on cold winter days.
• This was our first Christmas without Uncle Jack and his big laugh, his big heart, and his crazy, quirky Christmas cards.
• This was our first (and I pray our only) Christmas without my husband.

And in spite of my many, many blessings and all the Christmas cheer, I went to bed Christmas night with a heavy heart, remembering those that I have loved and lost in the past two years and longing desperately for my husband.

Today is the day after Christmas, and I'm still feeling a little melancholy and sad.  I guess I've got the Christmas blues...

Day 85: The Best of Times...The Worst of Times

"It was the best of times; it was the worst of times..." (Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities)

This morning I dropped my husband off at the airport after his first 48-hour visit home. 45 ½ of those hours were the best in our fourteen-year marriage. The last 2 ½ hours were more difficult than the day he left.

This morning when the alarm went off, I felt like Cinderella at the stroke of midnight. At 5 am I sat bold upright in bed, looked at my sleeping husband, and burst into tears at the thought of saying goodbye to him for the 6th time in three months.

Somehow, I managed to regain my composure long enough to get dressed and climb into our vehicle to make the hour and a half trip to the airport. Once there, we both fell apart.

Funny thing about airports—they are simultaneously the happiest and the saddest places on earth.

Saturday went I arrived at the airport I sent our thirteen-year-old son in to get my husband in order to avoid paying for parking. As I waited in our vehicle at the curb, I saw a younger man, probably in his mid to late twenties, emerge from the airport. Before he was able to walk ten feet, a pretty young gal came running to him and threw herself into his arms. As I surreptitiously observed their reunion, I surmised two things—that they had been separated for a very long time and that they loved each other very, very much.

When my husband emerged from the airport, I followed the young gals lead and threw myself into his arms for our own happy reunion. If you ever wish to witness pure, unbridled joy, spend some time in the arrivals area at an airport. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

But today was different, and as I followed my husband into the very same airport that two days prior had hosted our happy reunion, I was assaulted by an entirely different set of emotions. The panic and sadness that I had barely managed to tamp down at 5 am returned with a vengeance and had me in a full nelson before I new what hit me. I clung and I cried, but time was not on our side, and finally I had to turn and walk away from the man I love with tears streaming down my face, not daring to look back…

If you ever want to witness crushing heartbreak, spend some time in the departures area of an airport. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Today was like Day 1 all over again. Tomorrow will be better.

Day 81: Letting Go of Perfection

My husband has been granted a 48-hour pass and will be coming home this weekend for a brief visit.  I wanted everything to be perfect for him when he arrives, but perfection in real life is just as elusive as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and the clouds with the silver linings.

Does perfection even exist? Does the pot of gold?  Does the silver lining?  I've seen rainbows, and I've seen clouds, but never the pot of gold nor the silver lining...nor perfection.  Perhaps true perfection is to be found simply in the rainbows and the clouds...

My husband is coming home, and that is enough for me.  Our home is much the same as he left it.  I pray that that is enough for him.

Day 68: I've Got Mail

I got a three-page letter from my husband today.  It made me cry.  I love him. I miss him.  And I am oh so proud of him.