Day 5: Truth

A few days before my husband entered treatment, I asked him how he wanted me to handle questions from the community, and he replied, "Tell the truth."

People are naturally curious, and people will talk.  My husband and I decided that we would rather have people talk to us than about us, or at the very least talk about the truth.

Interesting thing, telling the truth; it is incredibly freeing.  As startling as it may be to some for us to be so candid, several positive thing have already come from our choosing to be vulnerable.

First and foremost, I have been completely humbled and overwhelmed by the number of people who genuinely care about the health and well-being of our family. (My husband would be overwhelmed, too, but he is unaware, as he is currently in "blackout".  More on that later.) Thank you one and all for being so gracious!  (You know who you are.)

Second, telling the truth kind of takes the wind out of the sails of people who are predisposed to being malicious.  There's much less fear of gossip or embellishment (or what people might say to your kids) when you choose to tell your story yourself.

Third, believe it or not, being open about our current struggle has made it much easier for me to be in public.  I don't have to pretend that nothing is wrong; there's no "elephant in the living room", so to speak.

On a practical note, writing to this blog keeps me from having to repeat the same information over and over again, which is emotionally exhausting.  Every time you try to bring someone up to speed when you are going through a trial, you end up reliving the events that you are sharing and having to deal with the fresh emotions of the listener, be they empathy, anger, pity, or concern, and that can really set you back, even if you had initially been okay.

Truth opens the door to authentic relationships.  Relationships suffer when we edit our stories for public consumption; and make no mistake, the public will consume.  So what shall we feed them?  Authentic, sometimes hard-to-swallow truth, or shallow, candy-coated nonsense?

The choice is yours, but we choose truth, and our prayer is that this journal will not only serve as a reminder of where we've been and all that God has done for us, but also provide hope and encouragement to anyone who may be wandering through a wilderness of their own.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."  (John 8:32 NIV)

Day 4: The Tie

Today my 13-year-old son noticed a box of my husband's ties on our kitchen counter and said, "Mom, how do you tie a tie?"  My first response was, "Go ask your Da...", and then I paused and said, "We'll ask Dad when we visit him."

I saw that he had tried to tie one of the ties himself without much success, and I fought back tears as I showed him how to retie it.  He asked me how I knew how to tie a tie so well, and I said, "Your daddy taught me."

For the next twenty minutes, my son sorted through my husband's ties and practiced tying several of them himself.  Then he asked which one was his dad's favorite.  I thought that was curious, and I asked him if he would like to keep one of the ties, as I was planning to mail the rest to my husband since he had forgotten them.  He said yes, but then added that he didn't want to take his dad's favorite.

After I pointed out my husband's favorite, I left to run an errand.  When I returned I found that my son had selected a tie, which he proudly wore for most of the rest day.

Claiming a piece of my husband's wardrobe brought my son so much joy, but it broke my heart, and today marks my first truly difficult day...all because of a simple tie.

Goodbye homework, hello homeschool...

Sam was suspended from school today due to an unfortunate incident with an air-soft gun.  It wasn't his gun, and no one was hurt, but he was in the wrong place at the wrong time (he's gifted in that way), and apparently public schools takes "weapons" very seriously.

Sam will be suspended (along with three other students) until the start of the new semester in January. The circumstances surrounding Sam's suspension are so random that I can't help but wonder if this is part of God's plan for this season in our lives. And while I wonder, I'm waiting for the reality TV crews to show up and start filming the train wreck of our lives...

Fun Fact: Jesse predicted that Sam wouldn't last two weeks in public school.  Sam lasted exactly 29 days.

Day 3: Coping

Today was challenging to say the least.  I tried to homeschool while babysitting a 5-year-old, my 13-year-old was suspended from public school until January, and I had words with my 19-year-old who is away at college.

At one point during the day I found myself wondering just how much God thinks I can handle.  He certainly seems to have more confidence in my coping ability than I do.

Day 2: The smoke is clearing...

Today was weird.  I didn't sleep well last night.  My youngest daughter and her little dog slept with me, but they were unable to fill the space where my husband used to lie.  He is big and warm and still when he sleeps.  They are small and restless.

Most of the day I stumbled around like a zombie -- not the flesh eating kind, but the ambulatory comatose kind.  (Maybe that's a mummy...?)

It's not that my husband has never been away from home before, but this is different.  I feel empty.  It's almost as if the smoke is clearing after a long battle, and I'm not quite able to grasp what I am seeing.

And it's so quiet.  There has been so much chaos for so long.  I like the quiet, and that makes me feel guilty.

And today, if you were to ask me how I am doing, I would say fine, and mean it, because today I don't feel anything, and that makes me feel guilty, too.

But the smoke is still clearing, and I suspect the feelings will follow soon enough...

Day 1: Goodbye...

Today I said goodbye to my husband of 14 years.  He has entered a faith-based, residential program for the treatment of chemical dependency and other life-controlling issue.  He will be gone for one year.  Pray for him.  Pray for me.  Pray for our children.

Back to (Home) School

Tomorrow is our first day back to home school.  I'm down one student this year, which is a little bittersweet.  Sam seems to be adjusting well enough to public school, but now we need to adjust to home school without Sam.  In some ways, the days are likely to go more smoothly, but Olivia is already anticipating that they might not be quite as much fun.  She misses her brother, and for good reason--he's the only one who really "gets" her!